what is it??

I am depressed or frustrated I am unable to find the reason for this inner aggression where unlikely I am dealing with so much silence and patience... I am not finding myself any answer , it’s been  almost 7 months I am home I haven’t done anything but just eat ,sleep & repeat .. I don’t know what I was thinking I am so much overpowered by my ambitions my dreams I have. I always wanted to be different but being nowhere is just killing me inside , my bed, my laptop  and my phone has become my world these days but it’s the worst I could have imagined for myself .. Being an extrovert person I always wanted to be with new people, make new friends, live a luxurious life... leaving my job I thought was a very good decision though it wasn’t wrong but today when I look at myself I am no better person .. I am losing my confidence, gaining more weight and additionally I decided to put braces which has made my confidence really low... to use up my free time I started watching movies on my laptop  .. Suddenly the dialog from tanu weds manu clicked me and I started laughing...that night I watched both the films... you guys would laugh but I started to have a huge huge, huge, huge crush on R Madhavan (Maddy) I  know that’s stupid but somewhere that role he did reminded me of some one really close  and I admired it.. I don’t know y since then my life was all about r madhvan I could not resist him whatsoever, you won’t believe I watched him for 3 days in  a row .. Even not being a south Indian I watch his Tamil songs movies... Now I know That’s stupid, I just look at him I don’t know why am suddenly so much attracted to him I can’t get him out of my head,, I watched all his interview, I liked all his pictures, msged him on fb insta tweeted him and what not I couldn’t help I have never felt such in my entire life and having a celebrity crush I could never think of anything near to it.. But I am very helpless I couldn’t resist him anyway.

I am realizing this is just an side effect of what I am going through right now... but  once I tackle all my problems , give myself some time I would definitely be a better version of myself , I still look forward for the life I really want to live .. For now I am stuck with r Maddy where he is really very elder to me but really charming. I think I will watch him for some more time... and have added something new to my bucket list... I really want to meet him someday and tell him how unknowingly he impacted my life... Have you guys felt such thing for anyone without reason does share with me …. May be it can help me out .. or you can just think I am crazy :D

Nothing inspired me for very long to put my pen down but I think sharing my life with you people makes me feel very happy and worthy..  Thank you guys.. Lots of love J

©Samruddhi Bhalke

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